| we kissed in fields under trees screaming like dogs bleeding dark in2 the leaves |
[entries|archive|friends|userinfo] |
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| He's gone away... |
[Mar. 21st, 2004|01:50 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  surprised | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "smoke up your ass" - A Global Threat. | ] |
yeah. today was weird as hell.
had to watch dan and his little friends.
blah.
brandon stopped by with jason.
...shit happened.
he left.
talked to mairin on the phone.
went online...talked to people.
dave told me he would never go out with me, even if i didnt have a boyfriend, because he wouldnt want to ruin the friendship and the awesome relationship we have with eachother. ...i thought that was pretty random...but really cool at the same time. :o)
tyler and josh wanted me to come and party, but i couldnt cuz i was sick. so they downed the booze all by them selves i guess...with jim too?
josh calls me up.
haha hes asking me if we're still friends. of course we are. haha him and ty were wasted.
...tyler gets on the phone, we talked about stuff...he had to vent about caity. it was cool...atleast he got to talk about it. and he picked me to talk about it with...haha even tho he was drunk.
untill jim made him get off the phone so he could get online.
i got back online.
I was talking to jim. he was saying that he wanted me, and he missed me, and loved me and all that again. ::sigh:: i told him that i didnt beleive it anymore. i told him that he could say it a million times and i wouldnt give into it anymore.
then we just started talking normally.
its so weird..i think about him now...and then i think about the person i fell inlove with in 8th grade. and they seem completely different. i just want the old him back. maybe i was living in an immaginary dream land when we were going out. like thinking back to the memories everytime he did something bad.
meh.
josh calls me back from terrence's cell phone. he said everyone was sleeping. and he told me he loved me. and that he wanted to hang out again.
ah. too much love for one day.
:::smacks head on keyboard:::
who ever thought that getting love would be such a bad thing? |
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| oh man. some fuckin weird ass shit. |
[Mar. 20th, 2004|03:16 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  uncomfortable | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "Idoless" - The Distillers. <3 Brody is so fucking sexy. <3 | ] |
well...back to yesterday.
umm...off of school. yeah. woke up early. bahh. i woke up at like 5 and then fell asleep...and woke back up at 7...then woke back up at like 9. i had the weirdest dream...i was laying in bed, on my tummy side...and there was like this screen infront of me. ...i was watching pictures. they were like cut into other pictures...the pictures moved, and they were black and white. the one picture was like an ocean or a beach...and a sail boat. and one was rain in the summer. and other was the fall. and then there was a picture of my grandma and my grandpa dancing together...and then a picture of my mom and my dad dancing together...
it made me cry. i cried alot. and then i woke up.
i dont know why but i wanted to dream it back.
but instead i got up and went online and talked to brandon.
i had my doctors appointment at 10 30. i have all fuckin day to go...and my mom picks it that early when im not even half awake. haha what a fuckin loser.
i go...and i sat there for a while...i got my ditz blonde nurse again. she can suck my cock.
then my doctor came in and she took saliva samples for strep throat...cuz she said she was 98% sure i didnt have mono.
better than nothing.
i left, and got these sweet ass sea salt n vinigar baked chips on the way home. it was off the hizzle.
yeah so i sat at the comp all day.
then everyone came home from school and mairin came over for a bit. she was a bit hessitant on how close she should come to me. haha.
then kat dee and caity stopped by to see how i was doing. :o) it made me happy...i wasnt alone.
caity had to leave rite away and the rest of em stayed.
brandon stopped by for a bit, so everyone migrated outside after a while.
haha everyone was picking on kat. shes so fucking funny it kills me. hahaha i think i pissed myself. and the way she runs!!! hahah omg! haha. shes great.
everyone stopped once she got pissed. haha
my bro was being annoying.
jason showed up...ugh...brandon acts so much different around jason. i hate it.
he acts all tough, like yeah...i got a girl friend. im cool. and he starts to get all perverted. he like was humping my ass and making these little perverted comments about me with jason.
god i hate men. i need to really find myself a chick.
and brandon was talking to jason when he was holding me, and they were talking about some teacher at school, and he goes "oh yeah mr blah blah blah is gonna die and rot in hell because hes gay, that fucking fag. is he mairried?" (jason says yes) "oh jesus, i feel bad for his wife, shes married to a homo."
and i was standing right there! and im like what the fuck...im a homo to! and i looked at mairin, and i know she was just as pissed as i was. and she motioned to me to kick him in the balls. haha but i didnt. and hes lucky. i did think about it.
they left. they got me kinda pissed.
and when they were leaving, brandon looks back, and i hump kat...and he points to katherine and goes, "and YOU! YOU GET A LIFE!!!" hahahaha and he looked so pissed cuz i humped her! hahaha it was great.
well...we chilled and ate pizza. then met up with tyler and drew. we went to wilsons and tyler gave us some smokes...dee mostly.
we hung out infront of drews, and walked down milford which was a bad idea cuz it was brandons street and i was smoking...which is what he HATES me doing. hed kill me. i finished it by the time i got to the corner of his street, and we split up after fooling around a bit on the corner. tylers like flashing cars and stuff with his "boobies" ahahaha. it was funny.
...me and the girls walked back to my house and we got to portland...and brandon drives by, and hes like "hiii girls!!!" in a really sarcastic way. and im like HOLY SHIT!!! I WAS LUCKY BY LIKE 5 MINTUES!!! HAHAHA omg. he wouldve killed me if he saw me with drew. haha or if i was smoking! holy fuck. it was intense! haha i live on the edge. haha the girls agreed with me that i was lucky like that too. like the one time i snuck out and went to tylers came home drunk at 7 30 in the morning or so. haha and i passed out on the floor, and my dad came down 10 mintues later. hahaha omg that was the good ol days. when i was my fucked up self. haha i miss em.
well...then we cam back to my hizzle...and we sat in my room. we blew up the condoms kat stole from wilsons. haha i stuck it down my pants it was hillarious. good times. and kat told me some stuff about brandon that i got really pissed about.
she told me that he went to sara and beth's that thursday that he blew me off.
and he told them everything we did...like the hankie pankie stuff we do...like every detail.
and then he told them that i was bi sexual and that he was pissed about it.
and fucking sara that fucking cunt head told him to brake up with me. i know she wants him.
i know shes jealous.
because he was gonna ask her out on his birthday, before we were going out and we were just friends...he told me...but she had a bf that day. but she said she wouldve said yes to him.
so i know she wants him. and she hates me because of it. and shes never fucking met me before.
but she can suck my fucking cock before she thinks im gonna take shit from her that fucking slut. and if he wants to listen to what ever the hell she says, i dont care. i dont care anymore. hes gotta accept me for me.
hes ok with me being bi. but he told me that he almost broke up with me because of it.
which really pissed me off. if hes got a problem with it from the start, he should be with me.
and sara and beth told katherine everything brandon told them. and he told them a hell of alot.
and i know kats not lying because she knows details, and the things we did that i didnt tell ANYONE. it never came out of my mouth EVER.
im just really pissed.
well...we went to mj's after...i missed her. she called us...nobody was there, so we went to see her. i havent seen her in 2 weeks. it was nice.
it was like a whole venting time. the whole time we talked about everything...everything that went on with everyone...boyfriends..parents...how much we missed the summer, and how different this summers gonna be.
and mary jo mentioned that brandon had this different side to him that we dont know, she thinks. and she said it was weird...and hard to explain...but its there. and she said it creeps her out.
she seemed pretty serious and confident about it. and i dont think shes said that about anybody.
and i feel bad cuz shes stressed about what happened between her and ian and kaylee and everyones givin her shit about staying with ian. but i think its ok...cuz she still loves him. i would do the same.
hes a nice guy...he messed up. forgive and forget.
and i miss having fun with the girls.
it seems like now, we're so depressed and caught up into trying to hard...to much stress...and trying to please everyone but ourselves.
we just need a brake. yesterday was nice though.
dee's got some conterversy at the household again. and mairins bummed about her crush. i feel bad...but i think she should tell him how she feels.
they left...i chilled with mj on the couches like back in the day. it was awesome. it made me wanna cry. i almost did.
remembering everything i missed.
my dad came to pick me up...i didnt wanna leave i felt like i could be there forever.
i get in the car and hes flipping a shit.
i asked what happened and he said he saw 3 kids over by the bushes by our house like spying on us...and he said that one of them looked like brandon...
hes like goin insane makin all these threats like he does... he described what he was wearing...and i know for sure that it was brandon. cuz he was with jason and adam too.
oh man. and my dad said that when he came out, he heard them go, "oh fuck hes out, fuck go go, blah blah blah" and they ran. they didnt say high.
my dad said it was like they were waiting for something...like spying or something creepy.
...i was really confused.
but im woundering if brandon was stalking me...
like he knew i was out...im woundering if he saw me with drew and ty or something..he thinks drew likes me...but im pretty sure he doesnt...not like anything would happen between us anyways. im good friends with his gf. and im friends with him...no way. and maybe brandon was spying on me to see who i came home with and what time i came home.
yeah...creepy, i know.
even creepier cuz all i could think about was what mary jo said today.
...wat if he does has this other side of him?
...and he told me before that hes got things to tell me.
that he hasnt yet.
((.......))
ive been parionoid. i told the girls about it and they think its fucking weird. mulls thinks hes gotta quit the shit...whatever hes doing hes being weird too. like different.
im gonna try and talk to him.
i just called me a little bit ago...but hes still with jason...he wanted me to come over but i dont want to. not when jasons there. and im sick anyways. i threw up liquids this morning. ill ive been doing is drinking gateraid and water. ick.
i didnt go to the mall with mulls today. :o( i was looking forward to it too. ::sniff sniff:: well shes comming down here to her aunts...and im sick. fuck fuck fuck. brendan wants to meet her...theyre so alike its awesome.
well..my brother's birthday partys today.
and i gotta shower.
so im off.
...wish me luck...im still feeling shaky about how brandons been acting. |
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| Hold me tight. |
[Mar. 19th, 2004|12:25 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  relieved | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "Diplomatic Immunity" - GBH | ] |
hmm. ok. well. this is good. i feel much much better.
my mom bought me majical pills for my illness, and food. haha.
after my last entry...i was chillin online, then mullen calls me. we talk about stuff...u kno the usual. i love talking to her on the phone i have so much fun. :o)
brandon beeps through and tells me he wanted to talk to me in person. he said he was gonna stop by.
and yeah. i almost shat myself thinking about the things he was gonna ask me. i was pretty sure that he was gonna ask me if i was bi or not tho.
i switch back to mulls, shes tryin to clam my flip ass down. haha.
shes got a power outage. haha that sucks.
i get off the phone with her and talk to kat. im flippin out with her too.
and then...brandon rings my door bell.
i go to see him, he didnt look so happy.
he did it. he asked me if i was bi.
i told him the truth...that i was...and he was a bit hesitant at first...my heart skipped a beat because hes weird about gays n stuff...and he was asking me questions and sayin crazy shit. he was like "well i want to be the only person important in ur life"...and i told him he was, and being bi isnt going to change that. i think he thought that being bi was just another reason to have a bf and a gf at the same time...and its not...that would be cheating...and i dont do that. i wouldnt to him. i care about him too much. i love him.
but he understood everything...i explained stuff to him. and hes fine with it now.
phew. weight lifted off my shoulders. i dont have to tell him now...and i dont have to worry about anything anymore. good, good.
we were huggin n stuff over at the school even though i am sick. haha he didnt seem to car though. he was kissing my face and my neck. and he tried to get kisses but i wouldnt let him. i dont wanna get him sick. really.
and when he was holding me tight, hhahahaha jim walks by. it was some creepy shit. he like stared at us...im pretty sure he was high. ahaha damn is he ugly. haha
well i came inside and brandon got DQ fudge all over my shirt. haha
i got bak online told the news to the people. i feel so relieved. ahh.
i talked to marky on the phone for a bit about family...our parents...life. everything.
i havent seen him in so long. about a month.
i miss him.
yeah well im gonna hit the sack. im pretty pooped.
love u all
..:::i love brandon:::..
<3 <3xoxoxoxoxoxoxo<3 <3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 18th, 2004|04:33 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "True Romance" - Tiger Army. <3 | ] |
You're a Sloppy Kiss!! You're laid back, and love
to have fun!! WOO!!
What kind of Hot Boy Kiss are you??
brought to you by Quizilla
^^^ thats what i was. ():0) mairin sent it to me...its really sexy...even sexier because their both men.
You are a Punk Boy Kiss! You met your cutie at that
concert last week... Instead of bringin home
some CDs and a shirt... you brought home him!
What kind of Hot Boy Kiss are you??
brought to you by Quizilla
omg...i wasnt this one, but look at that!
that one guy on the...left? the one without the hat...soooo sooo sexy. ugh id bone em. haha thats the kinda guy i want down my pants babay. :::winks::: ahaha. psh.
yeah...today was so blah. i was almost late for school...trevors mom had to chase the bus down. but we made it...luckily. she flipped a shit tho...hmm thats what she gets for running late i guess?
brandon sat father away on the bus today.
uh. my head was pounding again all day. i didnt do any of my homework last night...but i got away with it somehow.
i had like 3 tests today...global i think i did ok on. ...english...i copied some off of mullen...but prolly ended up failing anyways.
...math...took me a while...but i think i did alright. ((hopefully))
it was shortened periods today. i had gym. blah. it sucks. but i was on mull's team, and peacy is so funny trying to play bad mitten...and me and xtina and andrea fool around alot...so that made it more fun.
i got to paint my guitar in art today. it looks pretty hot. i like it. i love paiting it. its like a super floresant orange. bam babay.
i had 8th period with ms mcmahon today...it was alright...we were in her room, me and mulls sat on the floor in the corner. im so glad im friends with her...my school days would suck without er. we wrote notes to eachother all day.
we had reconciliation today...i didnt go to it. i just sat there. why go? psh. i cant remember my sins anways...even if i did...id be in there for days. ...i dont believe in taht shit, so i just left it be.
got my hug from mulls, picked up andrea and made her freak out...and then i was on my way home. no school tomorrow...i dont have that much homework.
my head was still killing me...i found out taht my glands were swollen...for my fuckin 4 day weekend. god bless my life.
the ride home was boring...i almost flew on the bus...she was making some purtty riske turns. ...emmit forgot it pass today...i really think hes a coke head. hes gotta sell n sniff...that kids loaded with cash. he pulls out his wallet to look for his pass...and he has a huge fuckin wad of cash...a few 20's and 10's and 5's. that was the biggest wad ive ever seen a teenager have in my life...i almost shat myself. hmm...
got off..saw c unit. told her i loved her.
walked home...awkawrd silence with brandon for a little bit for some reason. i splashed in snow slush and it got the conversation moving for some reason.
he held my hand...i told him i was sick...and he said he didnt want me comming over today cuz he didnt wanna get sick. oh thanks. i feel so much better about myself.
he prolly just had plans and didnt tell me.
he hung out here for a bit in the drive way after he dropped me off. he was picking on me about me supposedly gay with kate. pssh. she has a gf. and we're not attracted to eachother in that way at all. we just fool around like we do with everyone else.
::sigh::
he goes "you prolly are bi" and i just said "stop picking on me" ...didnt really give him a full answer.
he left. didnt do much but say goodbye.
i got online. i wrote another poem...i was struck with brilliance. heh...
and he was on...we talked...not much. im in a bad mood today.
before he got off look what he sent me:
Brandon's s/n here: we need to talk about something when we hang out this weekend im going now i love you bye bye hun
meh. i dont know what thats about...but im worried. he said he had somewhere to go at 6...i told u he had plans, didnt i?
i havent hung out with him since sunday.
i bet he doesnt even like me anymore. why? because thats the way things work for me.
oh great. and like two seconds ago, i just found out i have mono right now. lucky me. whoopdi fuckin doo.
wow today is a really bad day.
i wanna shoot myself.
i talked to mj on the phone. i miss her. :0(
mairins posta come over tomorrow...if im feeling ok.
dee couldve come over today...but my moms not letting anyone cuz im sick.
ive been writing alot lately. i guess its good. im glad. ive gotten like 4 or 5 poems down in like 3 days. theyre flowing like a mother.
well...im gonna go wollow in my self pitty.
enough talking about how bad today was.
fuck me. |
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| ...:::eXpLoSiOn:::... |
[Mar. 17th, 2004|09:19 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  groggy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "Come As You Are" - Nirvana | ] |
shit on me.
my head is fucking killing me. its been killing me since like 3. ugh. u kno when u bend over when u have a regular head ache? and it feels like ur heads gonna blow up? well...thats the way my heads been feeling. i hate it. i hope im not getting sick...im coughing and loogies, which leads to a sore throat...and my noose is runny.. great.
i went to get my shots...
i had the stupid blonde ditz nurse again. fucking loser. she picked up the needle, and then droped it! shes like oops. i look over, and im like oh my god...
she has these rubber gloves on and shes picking up the needle like it has rabis and its gonna attack her or something.
she sticks it in my arm...and once again leaves it in there for too long and i thought like 5 fucking minutes past, and she pulled it out and it felt like a fuckin flu shot.
my last nurse didnt do that...she poped it in my arm, and out. like a second...didnt even hurt..
but this one killed.
now...for the other arm. and again! it sucked...i had to wait 15 mins, i go back to see her, only to find that where she injected me got really puffy and swelled up. that never happened before with my last nurse.
...shes like look at that..
and im like...yeah well if u didnt stab my fucking arm with the god damn needle you ditz, go back to fuckin pre k.
i thought it in my head, and gave her a dirty look. i dont like her at all.
i want a real good nurse to inject me, not some fuckin jessica simpson blonde dick weed who acts like their still in grade school.
..assholes.
i came home...the ride was longer...dad had to stop at someones house in the ghetto. i wish i woulda been shot.
my head was pounding the whole time...i fell asleep on the way home listening to the unseen.
got home...went to my room and called brandon. he called me earlier but i didnt get it.
and he wanted me to come over but i couldnt.
i hung up...and all of the sudden a few hours passed and my phone rings and wakes me up. i passed out on my damn floor. i was numb. haha. every part of me had fallen asleep.
mulls had sent me a text. i called her...and her ma picked up, and i forgot her name. haha good impression, eh? haha she prolly thought i was on drugs cuz i was drouzy and groggy. haha. she doesnt think highly of me already...nice job to fuck up amanda. ::slams head on key board:: haha...but i had fun talking to her anyways. haha apperantly she saw the pic of brendan on our site...and she thinks hes hot. they kinda remind me of eachother...i tell her about him..him of her, too. ...i think they would be a nice match? hmm? cute.
haha...well. i ate, got online...i had to to an essay on that stupid book we had to read for english...but i refused to.
its supposed to be like a page or two...but i dont know what to write...couldnt find any spark notes...or info on it online. so im just not gonna do it. fuck that. ill do it in lunch or something.
i gotta do math...and science...and global on the bus and durging school too. omg. so much stress.
i tried talking to brandon...he wasnt energetic...so the conversation went nowhere. really boring. didnt look forward to that...hm atleast i got to talk to him though.
he didnt seem too excited about seeing me tomorrow. eh. whatever. i dont care.
...im still woundering what else about him, he has to tell me...so is mullen.
i think im gonna go lay down early tonight. my head is fucking killing me now...i took 2 more pills...hope fully ill get better. kat says i should go to the docs to get it checked again..but i hate that place. not going. they said it was stress...i already knew that...mayybe it is...maybe im sick. i dunno. i dont wanna be like this for the weekend. im off friday and have dress down tomorrow.
love you all.
wrap my brain in smooches.
..:::I love brandon:::..
<3 <3xoxoxoxoxoxoxo<3 <3 |
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| WORD OF THE DAY : "Chipper" |
[Mar. 17th, 2004|01:12 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "Lordy Lordy" - The Distillers. | ] |
what chipper means? yep...still a mystery to me. why i picked it for a mood? ...i have no idea...because it sounded funny i guess. why im asking myself these stupid questions? ...because im bored and loosing my mind. ...or atleast whats left of it.
haha.
alot of schools had off of school today...
besides for mine and frannies of course.
haha fucking nazi's they are.
...so i skipped. haha hey, someone needed to watch my lil bro, right? haha.
god damn...did u look at the snow outside? bahh haha im not goin out in that shit. im freezing inside as it is. hmm...i ate alot of pizza today. now im full of acid indigestion...or however u say that.
haha...um...i didnt have to go to gee lessons or shots yesterday...i didnt feel good. ...so i took pills...my moms gave me sleeping pills at like 8...and they got me all drugged up cuz i had pills before that...wow it was some crazy shit. ahaha i felt like i sniffed pain killers. phew. i was all dizzy and sleepy n blury eyed...that shits good. ahaha.
i actually got to talk to brandon later on yesterday before i went to bed...he felt better...he was confusiing me and such...but he was better.
haha i think that he might have kinda a clue of me being bi...im not sure tho...cuz...uh...me and kate shea were fooling around on the bus ride home...we were just picking at eachother...and she looked at my underwear and everything...nothing major to any of us...but i guess it ment something to him. haha.
so...hopefully i dont have to bust any more nads trying to tell him.
and i talked to caity yesterday night...i think she was taking everything the wrong way...im not blowing this thing with her and ty out of proportion. im just a little worried...which is completely understandable, i think.
...hmm...maybe shes blowing it out of proportion a little.
i dont know...we're all thinking about this too hard. haha.
but i miss her, and i hope we can hang out soon...that would be rad. :oP
im in a good mood today for some reason...even though i woke up with a mondo head ache and poped some more pills..aahaa i think i had an allergic reaction to that sleeping pill cuz my eyes are kinda puffy. haha. sheesh.
uhh....i gotta go get my shots today. and im gona finish talking to my home dawgs and find something to occupy myself with...
...probably going to lead to masturbation...
haha.
i love you all.
..::I love brandon::..
<3 xoxoxoxooxoxox <3 |
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| everything is so fucked up. |
[Mar. 16th, 2004|04:43 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "Ultra Violence" - Lower Class Brats. | ] |
god damnit. i feel like shit...i think im getting sick...my heads pounding...my throats killing me. it feels like im choking.
its descusting outside...i hope we get a snow day...even though i know we wont.
im freezing...and i dont feel like going to guitar lessons today.
i want to sleep.
now.
here...
forever.
i got to walk home with billy. which was nice...and the bus home was fun with kate shea...and school was kinda fun with mulls and ash...shes hillarious. all of them.
bill told me i was beautiful. haha. it was funny.
well..i didnt get to walk home with brandon...he got a ride...i came home only to find that he was in another fucking angry mood. he hardly spoke to me. i only care. he signed off...didnt say i love you or anything...im i doubt im gonna talk to him at all later on.
and caity and tyler are fighting even more now. ...tylers angry cuz theyre saying shit about him...caity and dee are angry cuz hes saying shit about them.
some of theses girls he knows where there friday...and they want to beat caity and dee adn maybe kat up because they were calling eachother shit.
and i dont know what to do.
im so confused.
i dont wanna take sides.
i love them both...i gained a great friendship with both of them this year.
and this is so hard...i know they're gonna want me to help them fight if these girls come after them...kat's already comming off like she wants me to.
i dont know...tyler says these chicks are nothing to mess with.
i beleive him for some reason.
this is crazy.
everythings fucked.
...i really need to lay down...im getting dizzy and anxcious again...i got this lump in my throat it feels like im choking...and my tummys weird.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. |
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| ...like a fucking soap opera... |
[Mar. 15th, 2004|10:22 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "I miss you" - Blink 182. :o) | ] |
ok....recap time!
this last few days were nuts man.
i talked to brandon about what kat said on what...thursday? i felt horrible...when he had to ask me about it...he looked at me, and it looked like he was gonna cry. he told me what kat said. apparently kat made up a bunch of lies and told brandon that im only going out with him "because i feel bad for him" and that i was "high when i asked him out" and that i "missed jimmy...and i missed having sex with him." and it was all a load of bullshit. he believed me when i said it wasnt true, thank god. she almost ruined everything. i love him so much. im so happy to be with him, and i think hes slowly starting to trust me...and im not gonna let anyone fuck that up. those lies couldve fucked with his trust issues with me...it couldve fucked our relationship up...and what she said...im now concidering the trust i had with her too. but its her fault.
i talked to her...and she denied all of it at first...and then she said he twisted her words around...and he warned me that she was gonna say that...and she said that she "forgot" what she said in the first conversation...but she "remembered" wat she said in the second...when she was explaining all the shit she said in the first one. i know she didnt want me to see the first one because i wouldnt be happy with the lies she made up about me.
meh. i dont know. i feel like i cant trust anybody anymore.
well...then me and brandon were all good with eachother...so i went to his house. we hung out..watched tv...the usual. i love spending time with him.
hmm..caity broke up with tyler. :o( he said he wanted to take a break and just be friends.
she was pretty bummed out and sad...
i did the most i could for her to feel better...i hope shes better now. she means alot to me. i dont want her to be sad.
..:::~*Friday*~:::..
Yep...theres a sleep over at Felicia's for hannah's birthday.
mj called me...she couldnt come...stage crew...she has a play. but i miss her. :o(
brandon came over after school...we walked to the store and bought hannah's birthday card, and got her gift wrapped. brandon picked out the card...haha it was so funny...with a teddy bear with googlie eyes on the front. haha its mouth was open... brandons like "we shoud put pictures of our heads in his mouth." haha i was laughing and he went to brin it up to the cahsier...and she giggled at him. haha it was hillarious.
then...we went back to his house cuz we had time left...and he made dinner. :o) chicken flavored rice...ahaha he couldnt stop stressing that it was chicken flavored. haha then we watched a little tv...and were headed to felicia's for the party. haha we were a little late...it was suposed to be a suprise for hannah...but i think she knew already...plus we showed up late. haha no new news there...im always late. haha
we were hangin out. it was cool. talking to people n stuff. kat was there...ha. she didnt talk much to us at first...it was kinda akward...but i think we're ok now. which is cool cuz i hate fighting with people..but that still doesnt mean im gonna trust her right away, again. caity was there, jaime, ofcourse hannah, jaimes friend josh, trevor!! haha, mairin, chels, amy, kristie, brendan, felicia of course, kell kell!! and i think thats about it...unless im being forgetfull again. :oP hehe.
well...we danced, talked, took pictures, ate, fucked around...good stuff. haha.
we went for a walk...but had to split up a little bit after because we had to go diff places.
caity and dee and mairin and kat went to see wat tyler was doing...god knows why? ...i guess caity was curious or something...
me, brandon, chelsey, and hannah and felicia went back to felicias house...cuz my stupid ass mom wanted to talk to her mom, so i could sleep over. ::Sigh...rolls eyes::
and brendan and kell kell went back to kellys for a something.
yeah...we had fun at felicias waiting for everyone to get back..some fun bonding...chelsey asked brandon alot of questions while we picked off whats left of the cake. haha.
kell and brendan came back.
and all of the sudden the door busts open, caity's crying...katherine's crying...and i dunno why. caity comes running to me and hannah and we hold her, mairin and dee are explaining things to them...people run to kat. it was crazy. like a soap opera. fuckin insane. i guess caity went down to see tyler, and they caught josh...and he said he was "high" and he was skatin in the street and shit and bein crazy...so they wanted to get him back to tylers...they got there and i guess jim and jeff and biggie run out, and some other guys and a bunch of girls...one of them i know...alex. i missed her...
and they were like whos this whore? to caity n calling her names and shit and she started crying so they were makin fun of her... so i guess dee kicked jeff in the balls, (go dee!) and kat punched biggs and some other kid?
...and apparently katherine was crying cuz she was used? what the fucks up with that? i really wanna know how shes used...i want her to feel like it feels to be used...so she can stop making up these stupid lies.
...being used really hurts inside. ...she wont even tell me why. no one will. its prolly some fucking bullshit about jimmy. but i dont care anymore...i dont beleive anything she says. i give up.
well...we all were getting a little better and i had to get my stuff from my house and dee and brendan had to go home...so we split up again.
i walked with katherine and brandon...hmm..unusual trio. haha.
we talked about what happened...i knew it was a bad idea for them to go to the jordans on a friday night...they always have parties on friday or saturday nights...they were just asking for it...but i didnt say anything. hmm.
brandon the sweetie pie, walked me back to felicia's even though it was freezing...and everyone gathered back together and headed back inside. me and brandon were standing out there...playing this game we had going...how many times we could kiss eachother for record...it was like 100 and something in a half a day. haha. sheesherdoodles. :oP hehe hes such a sweetheart...omg.
i came inside...and caitys on the couch...i go to hold her...and she turns to me...and was like "amanda...ur so lucky to have brandon...keep him forever." and i was like "aww. i know hunny...and you'll find someone just like him too. i know it." and hten i huged her and kissed her on her head. i feel bad about what happened. but theres not much i can do, but comfort her...i care alot about her. she means so much to me.
haha...night time...we were all sprawled out on the floor...talking and fucking around like all girls do...
haha baily, felicia's dog started humping me, hannah, and katherine. it was hillarious...hannah got pictures...kat was freaking out...everyone was. haha he was so horny! hahaha and i put my blanket on, and he started humping me, and his penis touched my foot! hahaha and i flipped a shit! haha it was so nasty!
haha...so kat and hannah kept me up till like 2:30 or 3:00 am? haha and then they woke me up at 6:00 or so. haha.
sheesh.
:::~*SATURDAY*~:::
...and then me and chels went to get krispy kreams in our pj's at like 9:00 am. haha.
fun shit. the we hung around... caity left for her couciler...hope it went well. i slept...brandon called me and the phone vibrated and it scared the shit out of me. haha. they straightend kats hair with an iron haha it was funny shit. the faces she makes....god they make me wanna piss myself. ahaha we made food. and listened to manditory metallica all day...abc order babay! haha. i got to hear their misfits covers it was awesome.
...me and mairin left my house to go to the irish thing.
we saw tyler...and we didnt say anything. we got inside and ate more pizza and doughnuts...and played with my jelly bean recipes...it was nasty and fun shit. haha...then mair left, i went to brandons.
hehe... we hung...then he drove to the mckinley mall. we shopped...sat in the food court...haha it was fun.
omg...then we were waiting for his mom to pull up in the hallway thing.
we were cuddling, kissing, holding eachother...u kno all that cute stuff...
and i look over...and guess whos standing in the corner outside?!?!
omfg...it was jimmy and jeff! i was like "holy shit brandon...jims over there" and he was like "omg! pretend not to notice him hun" and jim kept starring at us...it was so weird...and jim like pretended not to notice us...but did a REALLY bad job at pretending...
finally his mom pulled up and we jumped in the car...jim starred us down the whole time we get into the car and pulled away. ...wow...wat a fucking creeper. ::shivers:: ick.
got back to brandons and chilled there for a bit. ...made out...did all that sexy stuff i love doing with him. haha.
hes still kinda worried that i miss jimmy...from what kat told him... i keep reasuring him that i dont...but...well. hes iffy about it i think.
we were waiting for adam in the gragde...then i had to head home... my mom calls me and says adams waiting at my house for us. haha im like wtf??! ahaha so we were walking...and adam went to my house cuz thats where she thought we were...and we saw adam on the way and had to chase him. haha hes so freaking funny i love that kid. haha.
they went back. i stayed home and ate more pizza...and talked to laurren mullen while i watched the chapelle show. :o) that shows fucking hysterical. haha. damn. ahaha and i told her everything that happend...she agreed that it was a crazy adventurous soap opera week for me. hahaha.
i got online...and got off within the hour...i was so exausted. i prolly went to bed at around 12:00...thats a first. haha.
:::~*SUNDAY*~:::
mom woke me up at 12:00 or so...got a good, long sleep...12 hours...damn. haha it was nice. i came downstairs got online...i didnt think that my mom would let me do anything...but i got to see brandon again..i had to wait a few hours but we went for a walk then went back to his house for some sexy fun....then i came home. :o) god damn do i love being with this kid. hes amazing.
i went to my grandma's house...kinda boring...no one was there cept for my inner familia and my aunt. so i talked to mullet again. she was baby sitting a dog for her aunt for 50 freaking bux! god damn!!! hahaha i got 20 from my gram...and back home i went.
got online...talked to brandon...he told me how much i mean to him and stuff...and how i was the kind of girl that hed want to marry...and that he loves me, but hes afraid to open up more...i want him to. but im not gonna push it. i know how it feels...i feel the same way...i dont wanna get hurt again...and neither does he.
but i love him so much, and i really want him to trust me. thats all. i wont brake his heart. i wont. i know how it feels to much to wish that upon anyone.
hmm...we'll see how it goes.
i went to bed after my mom bugging me. shes so persistant. i didnt get much sleep...i wasnt tired...one fuckin weird ass night. ...i fell sleep late and i kept thinking about a bunch of shit..and waking up alot...and i kept thinking it was tuesday and that i didnt want to go to guitar lessons...maybe i could cancell them and i hoped for a snow day or something. it was so weird...and i woke up at 6:00 and layed there till i had to get up.
i was off to school...first time i forgot my cell phone.
mullet came to see me at my locker. :o) i have fun days with her...writing to her and stuff. shes awesome. she makes my day that much better.
i brought my year books in and we were laughing at pics...and amanda was laughing at drew. it was fun. haha
i came home...brandon didnt take my bus..hardly any girls did...i got some sweedish fish from dave...and he tells me brandon stayed after for detention and to work out. rawrrr. haha.
i walked home with drew...forgot my keys like i did friday. haha i came home and waited for brandon to get home.
hannah and brandon came over.
we walked to mairins with billy, he was going to phils. hehe. and we picked up mair and went to mc kay's for dickies for me...even though they had none. ::fuck:: haha. so we walked down mckinley...it was freezing...jaime called my phone cuz hannah called, she wanted to see him...so we had to walk back for him...and we walked back to my house...freezing. we were dancing and singing and having fun, laughing the whole way. haha brandons so hyper. i love it. haha we were fooling around..trying to kiss and walk at the same time is hard. haha. it was sooo fucking cold. haha he droped us off...headed home...and we came inside..mairs mom picked her and hannah up...and i got online...here i am. hehe.
theres my action packed last few days i was too lazy to update. haha. i talked to mulls about my prob with my...um...my prob. ...i want to tell brandon but i dont know if he would think its right. im scared to see what he said...he sounds iffy and confused on it. hmm. well we'll see...she says i should tell him...but i dont think so soon...when hes ready to open up and tell me everything...i think that el be the time when i do the same. ... i talked to tyler and told him that i wasnt mad at him...apparently kat said i was...though im not. hes one of my good friends too..and just cuz caity and him broke up...that doesnt mean im gonna hate him for that too. he didnt do much the other day, so why should i hate him? he didnt beleive me at first..but we're ok now.
caity wants to go to his house tomorrow but i dont think i can.
bahh and kats telling me that tyler said that some girls dont want us at ty's and jim and jeff thinks were all posers...what gives them the right to say that shit about us...who says theyre fucking "true punks" ...i dont even know waht punk is anymore. fuck them all. i dont care anymore.
its gonna be cold...suposta get a storm.
i got my shots. fuck me. haha and my geetar lessons...i really dont feel like going to them...i havent practiced at all...ive been so involved in everything. omg. so much stress.
haha...my brother had counciling today...apparently he has early signs of depression...im glad hes going...i think it el be good for him...it sounded like he liked talking to someone. which is good..he drew pictures and stuff. ...i hope hes okay...hes only 10. the poor kid. hyper ventalating and stuff cuz my dad left...meep. i know how it feels to be sad that young...and i dont want it to happen to him. hmmm.
ive been writing alot lately..poems n stuff...ill get em in here sometime when i have the time...
METALLICA'S COMMING TO HSBC, ON OCTOBER 10TH...THEY HAVENT BEEN HERE FOR 7 YEARS!! AND THE TIX ARE 55 FOR SEATS, 75 FOR FLOOR. haha brandon wants to go..but there is noo fucking way i can afford tix for that show...nooo way in hell.
meep.
well im gonna go practice gee...and get some sleep. i think im getting sick or something...bahhh. my throat hurts... or maybe just exhausted.
love you all.
..::: ~* I <3 Brandon *~ :::..
<3 <3 xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox <3 <3 |
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| ahhh fuck me. |
[Mar. 10th, 2004|10:47 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  worried | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "Pretty" - Kidney Theives | ] |
oh man. today brendan, mj, mairin and dee came over. mj left to baby sit...she says things are better between her and ian...but im still gonna kick kaylee's ass. i guess it was like 3 days after and she like made him kiss her or something...wat a fucking crazed maniac. uhh...and caity came over and then left to see tyler.
the rest of us were off to walk to amvets.
...caity called us on the way there and was really really upset with tyler. she was sad and stuff, so we walked back down potters to get her. i guess tyler had plans with her and his friends came over instead but he told them to go...but they didnt...and tyler ended up getting high with them and ignoring caity instead. alot going on. ..we went to the salv on sececa instead...and we made her happy for a bit...im glad for that. then we came home...dee got aplications for jo jos and rite aid..and she left...bren left. me mair and caity went to the mall...while i was in the mall...i got a call from brandon...on my way out.
he seemed really angry...swearing and stuff. i was scared. i dont like when hes upset like that. and he told me that kat was saying shit to him online about how he was "controlling" me or something.
i came home and i called him but his phone was off...and its never ever off... so i got online...hes not on. i talked to kat...she says shes really sorry...but i have to talk to him first before i say anything back. i want to know how this goes. she says that he twisted her words around and made them worse than she ment it. i dont know. he was like "we'll have to talk about this tomorrow" and he sounded really angry.
...and kat didnt save the fucking conversation...
and caity got online...she got to talk to tyler...
they broke up.
tyler said that he needed time off...from the arguements and shit and that they needed to be friends and work things out with communication first. ...maybe they went into a relationship too fast before really getting to kno eachtoher. but hed go out with her in the future, which is good.
she called me...she was still really really upset...even more so now, because they broke up. she thinks its her fault but its not...i hope she'll be ok...i love her with all my heart.
my brothers having really bad anxiety attacks and he cant breathe at night. ...i guess its cuz my dads gone...this happens like every night and it scares the shit out of me.
well i have to go... stephen kindas things on and i wanna finish watching it...
i hope brandons not to angry and is blowing things out of proportion...i dont want him to be...ive felt weird cuz we've hardly talked in like 2 days and thats weird for him. and i love him alot and i dont want him to be angry. bahhh. everythings getting fucked up again.
im worried about talking to him tomorrow...im woorried about him...and caity...and danny...and just everyone. ughh...and im worried about my earth science test tomorrow...im really gonna fail it. fuck.
i need sleep. i got another head ache and its killing me...im really shakie and dizzy...and i need to lay down or im gonna pass out. |
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